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NEARLY MARRIED 



ONE ACT COMEDY 

By R. E. DEVNEY 

Copyright 1912 

Cleveland, 

Ohio 

o 



Charac- 
ters. 
Place. 

Arabella. 

j.p- 

Ara. 

J- P. 

Ara. 

J.P. 

Ara. 



J.P. 
Ara. 



JP. 



Justice of the Peace ; Arabella Johnson, a fat 
colored woman; and John Sing, Chinaman. 
Justice of the Peace's Office. J. P. seated at 
table. 

"Mornin', Jedge (calls J. P., Judge). My 
name is Miss Arabella Johnson." 
"Good morning, Miss Johnson; what can I 
do for you?" 

"Jedge, is dis de place where you all marries 
folks?" 

"Matrimonial connections is one of my spe- 
cialties." 

"What's dat you say, Jedge?" 
"I said matrimonial connections is one of my 
specialties." 

"Jedge, would you mind talking in United 
States language? 'Cause I cert'ny don't 
know what you all said." 
"I spoke in very plain English." 
"Jedge, you must 'scuse me, but de onliest 
language I ever learned was United States, 
and sometimes de words in dat gets out of 
my reach." 

"Of course, I am sorry that my copious 
language is beyond your comprehension. I 
shall therefore eliminate all phraseology 
likely to be foreign to you." 



Ara. "Jedge, I cert'ny does love big words, but 

dat collection you just expressed yourself 
with has got me pantin' for breath." 
J. P. "Who wants to get married?" 

Ara. "Why, I does, Jedge." 

J. P. "Who are you going to marry?" 

Ara. "I'm going to marry my beau, of course." 

J. P. "No, no; who are you going to marry?" 

Ara. "I'm going to marry de man I works for." 

J. P. "Well, who is this man?" 

Ara. "You don't care who he is, do you, Jedge?" 

J. P. "No, certainly not." 

Ara. "You shore you don't care?" 

J. P. "Of course I don't care; where is he?" 

Ara. "Right out here, Jedge; I'll bring him in 

(goes to the door and calls) : John, come 
in here! (enter John Sing; Arabella takes 
his arm and they walk to J. P.'s table). Jedge, 
this is him; you shorely don't need much 
introducin' to him, as he has been laundrin' 
'round here for a long time; his name is 
Mr. John Sing." 
J. P. (gets up) "Mr. Johnsin, I am pleased to 

meet you." (They shake hands.) 
John. "Allee samee, me glad to know Judge." 

J. P. "So you are the man in the case ? Well ! well ! 

Have you procured the necessary credentials 
pertaining to such an important undertaking 
as matrimony?" 
Ara. (Turning to John Sing) "John, dat man 

cert'ny scares me wid big words. He said 
words before you cum in dat I didn't know 
was in de book." 
John. (To J. P.) "Allee samee she fine cook." 

J. P. "What I want to know is, have you gotten 

your license?" 
Ara. "Sure, Jedge, we got our perscription." 

(Hands J. P. license.) 



J. P. (Opens and reads license, clears throat, turns 

to Arabella) : "I see this license is made out 
to one John Sing and Arabella Johnson, ages 
43 and 37 years respectively." 

Ara. "Jedge, I wants to be respectful, but de man 

what says I am 43 years old is cert'ny mixed 
in his numbers, dat's w'at he is" (injured 
air). 

J. P. "You don't just understand; I said John Sing 

and Arabella Johnson, age 43 and 37 years 
respectively." 

John. "Me 43, Judge." 

Ara. "Sure, Jedge, I ain't no 43 years old, and dat 

37 ain't no good rigger to put in de papers, 
either." 

J. P. "All right ; we will let it go at that ; but you 

introduced this man to me as 'Mr. Johnsin' 
and I see by this license his name is John 
Sing." 

Ara. "Jedge, when I made him acquainted with 

you I said his name was John Sing." 

J. P. "Well?" 

Ara. "Judge, dat's it, John Sing. J-o-h-n S-i-n-g" 

(spells it). 

J. P. "Oh, yes; I understand now. (Turning to 

John Sing) : Have you got the ring?" 

John. "Allee samee some place." (Feels blouse, 

feels pockets, pulls out laundry blanks, pack- 
age of tobacco, cigarette papers, box of 
matches, Chinese pipe, mouse trap, turns 
pockets inside out; rice falls on floor; finally 
finds the ring and hands it to J. P.) 

J. P. "Here (hands back ring to John), I don't 

want the ring; it is for Miss Johnson." 

John. (Hands ring to Arabella) "Allee samee, all 

right." (Arabella takes the ring.) 

J. P. "No, don't give it to her yet; you want to 

put it on her finger." 



John. "Allee right, Judge." (Takes ring and en- 

deavors to put it on Arabella's finger.) 
J. P. "No, give me the ring (gives ring to J. P.). 

I will tell you when to use it. Stand over 

this way and join hands." (They join hands.) 
Ara. "Jedge, you cert'ny knows how to marry 

folks." 
John. "Plenty good, Judge." 

J. P. "John Sing, do you take this woman to be 

your lawful wedded wife?" 
John. "Allee samee fine cook." 

J. P. "No doubt she is a fine cook, but do you take 

her to be your lawful wedded wife?" 
Ara. "Of course he do, Jedge ; dat is w'at I brought 

him in here for." 
J. P. "I know, but he must answer for himself. 

John Sing, what do you say to my question?" 
John. "Allee samee she fine washee." 

Ara. "Look here, John, I ain't marr'in' you to do 

no washin' in your laundry; I'm goin' to be 

de cashier, dat's w'at I am." 
John. "Allee right. (Aside) She washee." 

Ara. "You see, Judge, I wasn't always in de 

washin' business. I used to be wid a opera 

troupe." 
J. P. "Is that so? What opera were you with?" 

Ara. " 'Spose you all done heard about Uncle 

Tom's Cabin?" 
J. P. "Yes, certainly." 

Ara. "Well, dat is de opera troupe I was wid." 

J. P. "One would hardly call 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' 

an opera." 
Ara. "Sure, Jedge, it's a opera troupe; don't dey 

play in de opera house? And it surely am a 

troupe." 
J. P. "What part did you play?" 

Ara. "Who, mee, Judge?" 

J. P. "Of course; to whom did you think I was 

talking, Simon Legree?" 



Ara. "Dat's a bad man; did you all know him?" 

J. P. "Never mind that. What part did you 

play?" 
Ara. "Me, Judge?" 

J. P. "Yes, of course you." 

Ara. "Oh, yes; I played wid little Eva." 

J. P. "You don't mean to tell me that you played 

little Eva!" 
Ara. "No, Judge, I didn't exactly play little Eva, 

but I used to take care of Eva ; but one night 

when the main Uncle Tom was sick, dey 

put me in de whipoin' part and dat's how 

cum I know dat man Legree is no nice man." 
J. P. "Well, that is different." 

Ara. "But, do you know, Judge, I done a song 

and dance one time." 
J. P. "Is that so? What song did you sing?" 

Ara. "Well, Judge, I'll just show you" (sings and 

dances). 
J. P. "John, can you sing and dance?" 

John. "Me try, Judge" (sings and dances). 

J. P. "That is very good, but we must get back 

to business. Now, Mr. Sing, do you take 

this woman for better or for worse?" 
Ara. "Judge, I ain't marr'in' him for worse; I 

marr'in' him for better job." 
J. P. "You don't understand ; that is part of the 

ceremony. Now stop this foolishness and 

answer me. (Impatiently) Do you want to 

marry this woman?" 
Ara. "Jedge, you cert'ny does know how to marry 

folks." 
John. "Plenty fine, Judge." 

J. P. "Well, what is your answer?" (turns to John 

Sing). 
John. "Allee samee me catchem wifee." 

J. P. "Arabella Johnson, do you take this man to 

be your lawful wedded husband to love, 

honor and obey?" 



Ara. "Jedge, you cert'ny got dat wrong. I'm 

marr'in' him, he ain't marr'in' me. Didn't I 
propose to him? Did'nt I get de license, and 
did'nt I buy de ring and all wid my own 
money dat I earned washin'?" 

J. P. "Is that so?" 

John. "Allee samee she eat plenty chop suy." 

J. P. (Getting out of patience — to John Sing) "I 

don't care how much chop suy she eats. 
Arabella Johnson, do you promise to love, 
honor and obey this man?" 

Ara. "Jedge, I never say dat again — " (catching 

herself). 

J. P. "So you have been married before. Did you 

get a divorce?" 

Ara. "No, Jedge, I didn't get no divorce, 'cause I 

was'nt married very good." 

J. P. "Was'nt married very good! How was 

that?" 

Ara. "Well, Jedge, you see it was this way; the 

colored fellow w'at I married didn't have no 
money to pay de preacher, so de preacher 
said if he didn't get no money he would call 
de marriage off." 

J. P. "And didn't your man pay him?" 

Ara. "No, Jedge; he said I'd ought to pay half, 

as I got married as much as he did." 

J. P. "What did you do then?" 

Ara. "Jedge, we got into a scrap and dey took him 

to de hospital and I comes up North." 

John. "Hurry lup; me gotta go to workee." 

J. P. "I can't marry you until you get a divorce." 

Ara. "Look here, Mr. John Sing, I'm goin' to be 

de cashier and I ain't goin' to be no cook or 
washee neither. I cert'ny am goin' to have 
my vittels sent in from the restaurant, and 
before I see about a divorce you have got to 
agree to that. What have you got to say?" 



John. "You no cookee, you no washee; you go 

chase yourself 'round the blockee" (backs 

towards door). 
Ara. "I'll chase you around de blockee." (Pulls 

long tin razor and chases John Sing off the 

stage. J. P. follows). 

(Curtain.) 



JAN 13 1912 



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One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
JAN S£ !912 



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